Pointless Neighborhood Spiderman

How I felt while watching this movie














I went to see Spiderman 3 this weekend hoping for an engaging feel good experience. I must admit I had high hopes, despite the mediocre reviews.

Frankly, those mediocre reviews were kind. What a bust. Here's just a list of the top 10 preposterous and pointless parts of the movie:

1) An asteroid filled with black goo falls to earth. The goo climbs onto Parker's scooter and infects him. There is absolutely no explanation of where this came from or what it's doing here. Absurd.

2) After about 10 minutes of gooey, MJ-Parker, romance garbage to start the movie, Parker's friend Harry comes to attack him out of nowhere. There's no build-up, no plotting, no plan, no reason, other than we know from the previous movie that Harry is out to get him. Bizarre.

3) Parker defends himself and beats Harry. In the process, Harry hits his head causing AMNESIA, making him forget all about his vendetta against Spiderman. Gotta love a plot that is so lame it requires amnesia as a plot device.

4) A mind numbingly pointless and comic (although not funny) rival photographer is infected by the goo and becomes Spidey's arch enemy. What a joke. Such an absurd character to make an enemy. He simply doesn't compare to the Goblin or Doc Ock. Perhaps more importantly, just because he's infected by the goo, why does he end up with the same Spidey powers that Parker has. The goo just makes you mad. Shouldn't the guy just become a really mad photographer?

5) Harry suddenly remembers that he hates Parker and the Gooey Spiderman kicks his butt again. This time exploding a grenade in his face, disfiguring him. Nevertheless, a 15 second speech about friendship from Harry's absurd butler (the whole audience was giggling at the speech) and Harry decides to risk his life to help Spidey save MJ. Get real.

6) Gooey Spiderman/Parker tries to be super cool and aggressive. He suddenly thinks he's god's gift to women and starts strutting and dancing in the streets. The whole sequence was supposed to be funny. Believe me, it wasn't.

7) The sound of bells is Kryptonite to the Goo. Why???? Again, no explanation given. Extremely unsatisfying.

8) Before the final fight scene Spidey swings in with the US flag as the backdrop. Give me a break--completely out of place and gratuitous. Its times like this when I start to believe that the US gov't is paying Hollywood to make patriotic movies.

9) A bunch of moralizing at the end. Spidey starts telling the Sandman (the only decent character in the movie) that we always have a choice. "That's what my uncle always told me." Give me a break.

10) In the middle of the movie, the Asian couple sitting next to me whipped out some dried fish for a snack. Dried fish stinks. A little courtesy please; really ruined what was already a bad experience.

Don't go see this movie. I beg of you. This needs to be the end of the Spidey franchise.